Bye Bye Land

Well, its official... we have sold our 5 acres of land!

The whole thing literally happened overnight I think! We didnt have it on the market but had told a few people that we would sell if the oppertunity came along, and well I guess it came along! We got an offer on Monday and sold on Tuesday!

I have mixed emotions about selling the land. (I know, too late now, right). We've owned the land for 4 years. For 4 years we've held on to the dream of having our dream home there, and now that dream is gone. I think I'm ok with it. I mean we've grown in those 4 years and now think we would be ok with moving into a house not so far out in the country and one that if need be is already built.

Although I dont think I'll be able to go by the land for quite some time once a house is actually there- a house I wont be calling mine but I know it's for the best. And now I can look forward to all the bills we can pay off and the extra money each month that we wont be putting towards a land payment! Yeah!!

I dont know if this is good or bad, but the guy that bought our land is the guy that was going to build our house on the land so I'm sure his house there will be beautiful. I'm wondering if it will be anything like what we wanted?

It's in God's Hands

For some time now I've had a difficult relationship with another member of my family. I dont want to go into full detail about this issue, rather I'd like to discuss how I might go about resolving the issue. This matter CONSUMES me! I am a very emotional person. No, I don't show it most of the time, but inside I am. I carry my heart on my sleeve. At times I wish I had "thicker" skin (like Matthew always tells me I need) but you know what I am me and I am going to deal with me.

I am so blessed to have a wonderful boss who happens to be a very good friend! I can tell him anything, and most times I do!! Him & I attend the same church so most Mondays we will discuss the sermon from the day before. And oh my was yesterday's a goodie! Well most Sunday's I think the same but yesterday's words spoke to me.

Sunday's sermon was about each of us "writing" our life story. The decisions we make, the environment we are in, etc; everything is adding to the scriptures of our lives that God has intended for us. Usually when I don't understand something or need to discuss something in further detail I discuss it with my boss on Monday morning. Today is no different, except that I had more questions than normal.

I felt like Pastor was speaking directly to me and I couldn't help but think of how my situation with this family member was consuming my life and what story it was telling in my book of life. Kind of deep if you ask me. Think about it... do we ever sit back to look at how the decisions we make today are effecting the rest of our lives? I know I don't all the time. But this issue is hitting me like a ton of bricks. It has been going on for almost a year now and I've decided something has got to give. I've tried to "solve" this problem for months now with no ending in sight.

So, my boss was telling me of an example Pastor used yesterday. You see we have a service on Sat. night and 2 on Sunday mornings. I go to the early service on Sunday and my boss to the later so even though Pastor is teaching the same service no 2 services are exactly the same. And I'm very glad we go to different ones to compare the little stories Pastor tells with his life examples. I told my boss today that I feel I have been the bigger person through this relationship (or lack of)with this other person, but that I'm still the one being hurt through it all and I don't understand it. So I decided I have a few choices. I could either ignore her, avoid her, or confront her. What I didn't realize was the answer is not in any of these choices, but rather a kind of combination if you will.

Here is Pastor's life example: years ago when Pastor was in college he had a mentor. A couple guys had said some awful things about the mentor. Pastor and the mentor went to lunch at a Big Boys about a week later. When they walked in there sat the 2 men that were saying bad things about the mentor. Pastor was very angry and wanted to kick their butts (or something like that). The mentor walked over to the men and sat with them, made small talk, and invited them to lunch the next week. He then got up and him and Pastor sat at their own table and went on about their business. Once they got seated away from the men, Pastor asked the mentor what had just happened. Pastor asked him, knowing those men were saying bad things about him how he could act like nothing had happened and instead be nice to the men. The mentor explained how by doing that he had control over the 2 men. They had no idea what was going on or why the mentor was being nice to them. See where I'm going with this? Its kind of like killing them with kindness. It really made the light come on in my head! Now I have my answer!

Sure acting on this is going to be very difficult but I know in the end I will feel better about myself and I know I wont be going through this alone! I pray that this member will see that she doesn't have the control over me & my feelings that she has had for the last year. I mean I was only hurting myself by letting her get to me, and everyone around me who didn't deserve it. I shut out other family members at get-togethers because she had me so sad, mad, and down in the dumps, I have put Matthew through hell telling him how aweful someone in his family is and he better do something about it; I've even threatened divorce. This is not fair for me or Matt. I am ashamed it has taken me a year to figure this out. Now that I know what I have to do I just have to do it.

This person is now pregnant and just Friday I threatened to not even go to her shower because I knew she wouldnt be appreciative of it. Well, I've taken the first step "to my recovery" just today. I have made myself available for not only the shower but to help host it. This is a very big deal for me! All I can do now is put this situation in God's hands and have the faith to know He will lead me through this difficult chapter in my life and only give me great blessings from it. I know this is going to be hard but worth it in the end!!

Beautiful Surprise

Today was a typical day so I thought. I went home at lunch like usual, pulled up to the mailbox like usual, but today pulled out a little yellow envelope, very unusual. Odd I thought, then saw it appeared to be my sisters handwriting, even odder I thought. So I ran inside to open it up like it was Christmas morning, having no idea what could be inside! To my delight as I opened the envelope it was the most beautiful card! A card from my sister and David thanking us for a great V-Day weekend that they shared with us! How stinkin thoughtful! It absolutly made my day!

Valentines Day

Normally I would be anti Valentines Day but not this year! I cant remember what Matthew did to have to butter me up, or what, its what he wants.. great! None the less he had the great idea of going to Fort Wayne for Valentines Day! Yeah! I mean considering for the last 9 yrs I think I've been lucky to get a card on this day, I'm ecstatic for him to want to do anything! So we invited my sister and her boyfriend along to join us! It should be a good time! We are going to Hooters for lunch (obviously this was the payoff for such a great evening being planned), then off to the hotel (yes, we are even spending the night!), going to eat dinner somewhere, and then off to Rum Runners (a dueling piano bar). We have been to Rum Runners before (actually for my 30th bday)... its always a good time! :) I just cant believe we are actually celebrating Valentines Day! YAHOOOO! I'm so excited I bought Matt 3 cards! I went crazy!!

But now of course the flip side of this wonderful evening... what to wear! Why is it men look good in anything, mens clothes seem to be cheaper, and of course why do I look like crap in anything I try on?! Oh, and my favorite, why is it when you dont have money you find the perfect shirt, pants, etc.. but the minute you WANT to buy something suddenly you have to settle for Aunt Berta's moo moo from 1950? I'm not even kidding... last night I looked for 3 hrs for something to wear. I guess it would help if I knew what I was looking for. Originally we said we were going to get real dressed up and look all so fabulous. Well, then it turned into nice dress attire (pants), and now I'm thinking screw it jeans will do! Now about the husband... of course he already has a super hot button down, nice dress pants, good butt jeans, and a nice sport jacket that he could choose from... he's set! And all that stuff came from his closet! After 3 hrs of shopping I found 1 shirt that is ok- not hot by any means, no jeans, dress, pants, etc... for $27.50... a shirt I dont even really love for almost $30- thats crap! So tonight is round 2, I'm dragging my sister, and the boys along to HELP ME!! Wish me luck! Who knew so much freakin stress would be involved for a night out on the town?!

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!!

Back to work

Today is Thursday and I'm not complaining, considering I haven't worked the last 2 days! I hate being sick! Sick of pills, sick of licorice tasting cold medicine, sick of sleeping all day and night, smelling like Vicks (although I hear some people actally like that)LOL...I could go on and on. But thankfully today is a new day and I'm feeling better. Back to work and excited that tomorrow is Friday already!

It just isn't the same when you have time off when you are sick. I mean yeah, I love not working, but when I am too weak to move it isn't very fun! Yesterday I laid in bed all day thinking of all the things I could be doing and remembering how I have been wanting some time off work. But then I remember I want time off where I'm actually productive and not bed ridden!

And to add to it (ladies you can relate) to have a husband who thinks his world is ending because you are sick and you can't do every little thing for him! How do men survive without women?!

None the less I got updated on "The Bad Girls Club"... a ridiculous reality show on Oxygen, "America's Top Model", Jon & Kate Plus 8, and all the other TLC shows like A Baby Story. And note to self; none of these shows are worth missing work over! Well maybe A Baby Story and Bringing Home Baby but that's it.

Of course the highlight of my 2 day sickness... ice cream for my sore throat not once but twice!! Thanks Matthew! :) Guess he was good for something through all this after all!

I am done being sick for the rest of the winter! I've had enough of it! And did I mention I was sick while it was like 60 degrees outside... just my luck!

Economy 09

What a scary time we are living in! If you have a job thank God and if you don't, pray to God that you find one. At this time, I don't believe anyone can think they are secure in their jobs, and if you do believe that I think you are crazy!

I will admit, I am guilty... I still have a problem giving up SOME of my guilty pleasures, but I am trying to stay within my means. Like no more baskets, no trips to the mall just because, no Tigers packages, etc.. It makes me mad to see people spend like there is no tomorrow! These are the people that will be standing in the front of the line with their hands out. And believe me, I know some of these people and I just want to shake them. I think we should all work on saving money and paying off the bills we have already created, not create more bills or spend more money.

I know, people can do whatever they want, who am I to say? And again, I'm not perfect either but I am to the point where I am scared for the future of my family. Sure Matt and I only have ourselves to look after but we are no different. We have become accustomed to living a certain way and have bills just like anyone else. Believe me, we would not be able to survive for very long if either one of us lost our jobs at this point. I'm not a politician ( I pay my taxes- haha) so I don't have the answers, I just pray everyone takes the economy serious and doesn't just expect it to fix itself, or think the Obama is going to save us any time soon.

Cheers & Jeers

Cheers:

* a night out with the girls
* getting all the laundry and house cleaning done BEFORE the weekend
* a long weekend
* getting flowers at work
* having my husband open the door for me
* hearing my nephews say they love me
* watching the sun rise & set
* a walk on the beach
* having an entire weekend with no plans
* ice cream/chocolate
* DVR
(I was going to stop at 10, but I have too many cheers!)
* warm summer days
* reconnecting with old friends
* a new pair of shoes
* my boss telling me I've done a good job





Jeers:

* getting nothing but bills in the mail
* loosing someone close to me
* cold, cold, cold weather
* waiting all week for my favorite show just to find its a repeat
* snobs
* finding a great dress, but not in my size.. I hate that!
* loving hats but hating how they look on me
* the price of healthy food
* working 5 days a week and getting 2 days off
* not having a child of my own
* the price we pay to get our taxes filed
* never graduating college
* finding the shirt/pants I want to wear in the dirty clothes
* cheese
* narrow minded people

Biggest Loser (tv edition)

Did anyone watch last night? My first instinct is to trash Joelle like no other! But then I think realistically and realize, hello... there might be a tad bit of Joelle in me (yikes, did I just say that?).

Here's the thing: Joelle totally sucked as a friend and a teammate last night. Well, actually since the season began but really really sucked last night. She expected her teammate (Carla) to do everything for her... Joelle just watched Carla workout literally! And what does Joelle have to show for it? A zero pound weight loss, while Carla lost 9 lbs! My first thought is hello, Joelle is all about herself and what a jerk for being the reason her team (I use the term loosely bc Joelle is not a good team member) got voted off! On the other hand, Joelle is struggling. I think she wants to lose the weight but doesn't want to commit to loosing the weight. I think she has some issues that if she stayed longer maybe Bob could get out of her?? But then again how many millions of people wanted to be in her position- to actually be cast on the show and to see her give up so easily... frustrating!

So now that I write this I'm thinking.. really I'm not like Joelle at all. How can I change my mind so quickly? Well, I think Joelle and I are alike because we both know we NEED to loose the weight, but what is holding us back? What is stopping me from eating right, exercising, and just getting my butt in gear all together? I wish I knew! And obviously Joelle is having a hard time with the whole motivation thing as well I think... well, I think she has more problems than that, but that's a good start. We differ in the that it hurts me to let someone down, I just cant do it! Having a partner or someone I feel somewhat responsible for keeps me going. If I knew my actions prevented someone else from loosing weight I would be doing whatever whenever until OUR goals were met. Am I just realizing I don't have the self respect I deserve? Am I not making myself my #1 priority? I may have just hit the nail on the head! Now, what to do to change that?

Sorry this post took this turn but you might have to get used to it if you are going to continue to read this blog to put it bluntly. My goal is to slowly (but surely) express my thoughts and feelings about many topics, mainly my struggle with weight.

Back to the show: Yellow team, Aubrey got up and started saying how she has gained muscle and endurance and was ok with her 2 lb loss. Well the trainers jumped all over her saying that is crap and that she needs to fess up to the fact that she didn't work as hard as she should or eat the right things.. which she admitted later in the show. And I couldn't agree more! I've said it before and I'll say it again- I'm not eating right, exercising or anything else to help myself so why should I be surprised I'm still fat?! Hello!

So other matters~ I really like the brown team and do feel bad for Ron but hope they can stick it out until they go to individual weigh ins so that Mike can stay longer and get the attention he needs. I love the pink team! They have so much heart and determination and isn't Shanon just the cutest thing! Green team- Laura needs a good kick in the butt, what a baby! I love Tara! I hate the phrase, but "you go girl"! Blue teams kicks butt~ I really like the cousin that just came back, he has a goal and is going to destroy it by the finale I think! The update on silver... they haven't spoken? I'm not surprised but just goes to show how awful Joelle is being. She let this ruin her friendship with her bff! And then couldn't deal with it so walked away (again). And the results show.. she really hasn't lost that much weight since being kicked off, Carla on the other hand~ doing good! Cant wait to see them on the finale!

Biggest Loser= Pressure!

Today is day one of yet ANOTHER diet. This one however, is a little different in that it truely is our version of The Biggest Loser. The contestants include: my dad, sister, brother-in-law, & husband. The winner will be announced July 26th, where they will walk away lots of pounds lighter, the title and bragging rights of the Biggest Hemenway family Loser, and $100 richer! Yes, we had to involve $ to make it worth doing (I guess).

The last time I tried this whole diet thing I did rather well... better than even I anticipated! I was eating the foods that were good for me, had not eaten McDonalds in over 1 month (that is huge for me), and was up to walking 7 miles a day! But like everything thing else, all good things must come to an end. And to date I have gained back ALL the weight lost plus an additional 10 or so! Not good, right!

I, like many others was doing Weight Watchers, obviously it DOES work, but it is a life change, which I must not have been willing to do. Life change scares the crap out of me when I think no more chocolate, ice cream, or fast food... all of which I LOVE! I know, I know, it doesnt mean I have to throw in the towel completly on these previously mentioned foods, but believe me (and the 45 lbs. that have come back to haunt me) I can NOT eat these foods and loose weight.

Which leads me to day 1 of new diet... not going so well... but as my dad pointed out by giving ourselves until the end of July to win this thing we are allowed a few slip ups along the way. I dont think he was meaning for a day 1 slip up but none the less...

It just dawned on me, maybe I am looking at this as a contest and not as a lifestyle change? Could it be I'm doing this for everyone but me? I'll have to ponder that, more to come on that later...

So, today I am struggling bc I have a certain way of doing things when it comes to dieting. First off, I have to clean out the cupboards of all the foods I hate to love. When I say cleaning out it usually doesnt mean throwing the food in the garbage, it means eating it until I make myself sick bc I cant waste the food I love! Then I have to replace that food with not so yummy, but good for me food. Followed by a strict regiman of working out (kick my butt pilates I call it) and walking. And thanks to my husband when I say walking it means out in the frickin freezing cold and not in front of the TV on a tread mill that I so despratly want! I even told my boss I would sacrafice a new computer at work (that I really really need) for a tread mill at work instead! And finally, no more fast food... or as one of my dr's told me, "dont eat any food that comes from a restaurant with a drive thru window"... very good advice I think, but very hard to follow (again). If you havent caught on yet, I still have Pringles & Kit Kats in the cupboard, and have not walked a step past my normal needed amount of steps to get me from point A to B. Ahhh, what is it going to take?!?

True test is in about 15 minutes when I leave for lunch... of course the chocolate covered peanuts that I ate for breakfast were not on my diet! :( But I had to get rid of them... I bought them this weekend before I was in diet mode, and they were expensive! $9 a pound!! So that means in my head day 1 is a lose, maybe I'll try for a better day 1 tomorrow! Oh, and Matt just called to say Grandma Axford made sugar cookies for us... how do you tell grandma no? :0

Stay tuned...

Wish me luck, this is going to be a long road!